Newark Is Burning

Arahan Claveau's machinima response to the recent events surrounding Newark Is Watching:

Why was Mab's post deleted?

I used to be pretty heavily involved with the Brooklyn Is Watching (hybrid SL/RL) project in Second Life. To make a long story short (and this is just a very general explanation), BIW closed, became Newark Is Watching, and moved to a different sim, thanks to the very very generous donation of land by art supporter Mab MacMoragh.

Sadly, Mab soon has to give up the land that she so graciously donated for that length of time. She posted about the farewell recently on both the Brooklyn Is Watching and the Newark Is Watching blogs.

However, her post was deleted (censored?) from the NIW blog for reasons that aren't clear whatsoever. Her admin rights to the blog were removed, too.

So, for the purpose of drawing more attention to this, I have decided to repost Mab's post, plus the comments that followed.

we work in the dark
18 June 2010

We work in the dark–we do what we can–we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art. (Henry James)

Take care with people you meet because you can’t see what invisible mountain of burdens they carry. (Anon)

Arahan has posted on his blog about the surprise announcement that Oberon made on my behalf regarding my inability to continue with Newark is Watching. The comment I wrote in response was too large to be accepted, so I’m putting it here.

~~~~~~

Thank you for this Arahan. You’re a good friend. I haven’t made a statement about closing because I haven’t been capable of knowing what to think or say, and actually Oberon’s shocking (to me) group announcement was the first I’ve really thought about it in concrete terms. He knew I was struggling with a morass and took it upon himself to make it public, which was a tremendous favor to me as it unlocks the issues and makes things move along. I’m grateful for that.

I have no reason today to think the future of Newark is Watching will be anything other than different and interesting and new. This is my hope. The meeting on Saturday with all concerned (Gallery Aferro should attend) will be a beginning step to make it clearer what could happen, what the possibilities and limitations are, what the organization and structure of it should be.

Gallery Aferro has made public their preliminary schedule and, while I don’t know how it would all fall into place, it seems they now have time to learn and plan and revise, revise, revise, revise, if they’re serious and are open to the challenges, realities and possibilities of virtual art. My feeling is they’re interested in committing to a successful ongoing workable format, in whatever ultimate form it takes (probably a much different ultimate form than anyone can yet envision).

Last year when Jay asked me for land to temporarily rezz megaprims I was happy and honored to be in a position to help because I like him personally and felt like I knew him well enough to be able to judge that the financial sacrifice would be worthwhile. However neither of us could know then that not only would this temporary expense be prolonged indefinitely, but he was also asking for my blood, sweat and tears, and most of my real life useful waking hours (I don’t have many).

I don’t intend to take on an administrative role in the new Newark is Watching because it’s impossible for me, a severely disabled person who is frequently debilitated, to sort through nuts and bolts of something so complicated and labor-intensive. It’s dangerously easy for me as a naive nurturer to be swept into things like this over my head beyond my abilities. Too deep, too far. I hope to remain a quiet supportive observer of art on the periphery, as I was before. I have other dreams, long neglected now, set aside for Brooklyn is Watching’s sake. I have to be responsible with my life, as does everyone.

I can’t speak for others, but I have no feelings about what has happened on Push SIM with Brooklyn is Watching other than gratitude I could be of service. No regrets. Even if no one was making official podcasts, we were there talking about the art amongst ourselves, and in that real connection was poetry. I loved Brooklyn is Watching and its artists from everywhere with all their languages who would come and go and come back again leaving their marks and influences like waves on a beach. I’m not an art scholar or an art critic, though I respect those who genuinely are. I have no aspirations or abilities in Second Life to be anything other than an arts lover.
~~~~~~

The past is history. Let it go. Now is the time to prepare for the future. I wish Newark is Watching well. Thank you everyone for all you’ve done.

(crossposted)

Posted by Mab MacMoragh on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010 at 3:55 am.

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2 Responses to “we work in the dark”

Mab, this is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for your support of all of us (I’m not even a SL artist and I feel so supported and nurtured by you!). Your support of SL art goes way beyond the financial – you’ve invested in us spiritually and emotionally, and I know that you gave of yourself until you were exhausted. I know you will remain an avid viewer, cheerleader, (generous) critic of, and participant in SL art, and I’m excited to see what this new chapter brings for you as well as the work that is yet to be made.

Left by Amy Freelunch on July 20th, 2010

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Mab,

I did get your comment on my blog and have just published it and replied. I don’t know why it does that, I think it’s a bug, it does it to me too.

Anyway, ditto to what Amy said and here’s a copy of my reply -

“Thanks a lot for getting in touch and your thoughtful response.

I’ve been much less charitable in my summary of the situation than you, but your patience is a virtue I don’t posses. The lack of communication from Aferro has driven me nuts, call me old fashioned but when I ask questions I expect an answer. They’ve ignored us for a while now and that has caused a lot of bad feelings, so then to suddenly have a burst of activity and expect everyone to comply with their wishes whilst ignoring their failures strikes me as arrogant and deluded.

I do think the project has mainly fallen apart because of Jay’s absence, it needs an anchorman to keep everything focused, secure the guests etc. We all know that his organisation was sometimes chaotic but those early podcasts were often excellent, I listened to every episode very keenly, there were some brilliant guests who offered insights into SL art that was sorely lacking.

Jay seemed to lose interest and sort of wandered off, I still don’t really know why he did that, but the departure of the brains behind the project left a massive hole. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so harsh on Aferro, maybe they were roped into it without really knowing what was expected of them, after all Don at JTP was just the host, he didn’t get involved in organising anything else as far as I’m aware. But without Jay around his role has to be taken over by someone and so it is up to Aferro to take it on themselves or find (and pay) someone to do it for them.

I think you’re right to back off and protect yourself, there has to be a limit when things start affecting your health.

The most depressing thing about all of this is Brooklyn is Watching was a really great idea that has been badly neglected. Perhaps Newark will indeed rise to the challenge but it will take a lot of time and effort to bring it back to its former glory.

As you mentioned despite the absence of official podcasts there was still something worthwhile happening on Push. There was just so much uncertainty and confusion about BiW/NiW it always overshadowed everything positive.

Anyway Mab, big thanks to you for keeping the space alive for so long, it will be missed.”

Left by Arahan Claveau on July 20th, 2010

So... is there some reason that we're missing as to WHY the fuck Mab's post would have been deleted? She generously donated her land and time and money to supporting artists in SL without really asking for anything in return. The fact that she was basically given the finger by the NIW people is really goddamn awful.

She left these big boots behind at the Newark Is Watching parcel:

GIANT MOTHERFUCKING BOOT

Description: made for walkin'

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Update - Mab has posted again on the Brooklyn Is Watching blog:

moving forward

Hello Gallery Aferro and Jay,

When I woke up today (I sleep at odd hours, similar to a baby’s schedule) I had communications that my latest blog post was taken off the Newark is Watching blog.

I can see that for myself now, and also that I have been denied access to the blog.

I realize it’s possible you may not understand this but I was involuntarily put in the very tough position of buffer between Aferro and Second Life® virtual artists whose work I care about and believe in, all of whom have been trying to do the best they could on a completely voluntary basis, blindfolded and hamstrung by uncertainty.

For every question you were asked and didn’t answer, I probably had a dozen related come to me, which I answered as well as I could and as promptly as I could, even if it was just to say ‘I don’t know, let’s try to find out’ or ‘we must keep an open mind’.

I have never attempted to influence anyone’s opinion on anything that has happened except to urge for understanding, patience and tolerance on your behalf.

The art in Second Life®, as in all participatory conceptual art, depends on engagement, curiosity, and timing – you get from it what you bring to it.

One of the things I have said to my son about being an artist is: Art must hit on the beat or have a good reason not to, otherwise it’s not art- it’s just dust in the wind.

Thank you for your time and as I said in my now-removed blog post, I wish you well.

Mab MacMoragh

Posted by Mab MacMoragh on Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 12:29 am.

Unwanted

Seems that if I didn't pester the fuck out of people to spend time with me, then nobody ever would. I'm sick of having to basically beg people to be with me. If I'm that unwanted, then I'll just disappear. Sorry to be such a pain in the ass. Am I THAT repellent? Why doesn't anybody fucking want me? Maybe someday, someone will choose ME, but I fucking doubt it. For 35 years I have been passed over, why the hell should that change? I know people LIKE me well enough, but not enough to be chosen over others. I guess I just don't have that kind of charisma. In fact, I must have the opposite of that.

My blog featured in New World Notes.

Wow!

Thanks to Hamlet Au for blogging me, & thanks to everyone who has responded and offered their support and empathy.

Stuff lately

I emailed this to a friend who recently inquired about my emotional state. Others have been wondering too, so... here you go:

Thanks for poking me again. It is helpful and comforting that people like you are reaching out to me, and I appreciate it far more than I can probably express.

Maybe I have mentioned this before, but I have felt utterly lost and directionless since Arthole closed. I had some phases of real-life artwork productivity earlier this year, as you may know; but my moods lately have stifled my creativity more than they've inspired or helped it.

There are other factors adding to my emotions lately as well. Real-life complications in my personal relationships. The dissolving of many art circles, social circles, and hangouts that I once frequented in SL. General frustration with my RL job and the struggle to make ends meet. The fact that my closest friends are, for the most part, scattered around the country and the world when I need their RL company so much at times. And as a highly sensitive, emotional creature, these things overwhelm me to the point sometimes that I feel I can't cope.

I used to consider myself more of a loner, and perhaps I still am at times; too much socializing can drain me & I need to escape. But I have come to realize that I need to feel connected. I used to kind of stay closed off to all but my closest friends. But now I see no point in that and I'm just allowing more of my whole self to just show, scars and all. I know I'm a bit intense and fucked up and eccentric and maybe too much for certain people to handle, but so what. The right ones will stick around I suppose. A lot haven't. Oh well.

I need direction. I need a build partner or collaborator. I need a lover. I need more friends, RL and SL. I need to make more money so I don't have to struggle so much. I NEED projects and things to work on (but I need to find the motivation and drive to do so again). These all seem like reasonable requests but at times it seems like it's just too much to ask for, so maybe I don't deserve it...? I also need to stop being so hard on myself; I need to learn to not beat myself up so much.

Well, that's what is up with me in the most basic of explanations. With everything piled up, it seems so insurmountable at the moment. I know I'll survive as I always have, but...I can't see the next step, or the next path, that I need to take. I feel like I'm drowning a lot and I almost wish I just had someone to tell me what to do.

Thank you.

Illness vs. will

I would like to point out, to anyone who might not understand, that emotional desperation, depression, etc., is NOT a matter of will.

It's not something one can simply CHOOSE to get over.

One cannot CHOOSE to make cancer go away.

Mental illness is exactly that -- an ILLNESS.

Will Work For Sanity

Something random just occurred to me recently while thinking about everything and nothing (as I often do).

I think that, as an artist, I am a bit similar to one of the working dog breeds - like an Australian Shepherd or a Border Collie, who require more activity and mental stimulation than other dogs -- in the sense that I NEED to have something to do. I need a project, I need something to keep me busy, I need a focus, I need to WORK on things to stay sane.

I think the fact that I have too much free time on my hands, & too little direction/focus lately, is a major contributing factor to my recent horrible, crushing moods & psychosis.

I used to be so very much involved with many projects in Second Life and that was GOOD for me. As an artist, one of the only ways I truly feel fulfilled is when I'm creating. When I am unable to do that for whatever reason, I always suffer. When I am also going through emotional crisis, it's only made that much worse. I can sometimes channel my feelings into art, which is cathartic and pacifying; but sometimes the emotions are too overwhelming and I'm simply paralyzed by them. That in turn makes me even more frustrated, and it snowballs from there...

I want to get more involved again. But I don't know where to begin or how to start or anything. I'm lost. I spend so much time wasting time that the casual observer might think I'm a slacker, or lazy... and I am sometimes, but the truth is that I DESPERATELY NEED WORK. I need motivation and passion and direction again. I need it like I need air.

Okay, so.

I realize I need a lot more than just therapy and/or meds. I need some sort of life coach or something. I am at the end of my rope and I have nothing. I have a roof over my head, but I can't be a burden to others anymore. I need to find a way to make a decent living and support myself so that others who have supported me for so long can get on with their lives.

I'm not normal. I can't financially support myself and have never been able to. I don't have a car. I have nothing, no credit, no family support. I need someone to basically hold my hand and tell me what to do every step of the way until I get there because I CANNOT do this by myself.

I'm reaching the end of the road & it's a dead end. I'm terrified and I am desperate. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like a helpless child. How the hell did I ever get this bad? How can I ever reclaim some sort of life for myself?

Art giveaway

Attention: anybody who wants any of my art, just come up with the shipping cost and I'll send it to you for free. Whatever I don't give away by the end of the year is going into the trash. So, seriously. If you want it, tell me.

'Empty' - sold

My painting, Empty, has been sold to a private buyer and thus removed from my Etsy page.

Hopefully, I will have more work to show soon.

Done

I'm so, so fucking done with everything. Done with dealing with other people, done with trying to fucking make things work, tired of being letdown and fucked over and neglected and being disappointed. I don't want to be around people at all anymore. Sick of human interaction. I'm done with all of it.

Going easy on myself

One thing I need to really, really work on is how to stop HATING myself when I mess up, feel guilty, etc.

I have had good opportunity to hate myself tonight; I hurt someone near and dear to me very much and I was completely irrational and unfair and mean.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt as I lay here trying to fall asleep. My first instinct in situations like this is immediate, intense self-loathing. But in the half-awake haze of semi-consciousness, some inner voice made a very good point: "Yes, you SHOULD feel bad for what you've done, but DON'T hate yourself. Hate never solves ANYTHING. Make amends for what you've done in every way possible, LEARN not to fucking do it again, forgive yourself and grow up a little bit and move on."

Someday

Someday, maybe I'LL be the one chosen, for a change.

But I doubt it. Hasn't been that way for nearly 35 years.

I don't know how

I don't know how to be a human being who doesn't fuck up every relationship I have ever been in.

I always go into a new one trying so fucking hard to remain calm, and rational, and all that shit. Yet time and time again, I manage to freak out, worry, become insecure, get too clingy, and then I either eventually push them away, or the other person says "fuck this" and runs away. And I end up crushed, grieving, in pain, and even more scarred and fucked up emotionally than I was before.

I try so, so, so fucking hard to break this pattern, but I never succeed. It has made me come to the conclusion that I am too irreparably damaged and defective to ever be able to have a close relationship at all. Even my closest friends just don't know how to handle me after awhile. I'm caught in this loop and I can't seem to stop hating myself.

Seems like I have to stumble through life just having superficial, non-close, non-intimate relationships, because when people get to know the real me inside, they don't want to deal with it, no matter how patient and accepting they seem, no matter how reassuring they are initially.

I suppose it is ultimately all my fault and that I should just suck it up and fix myself or expect to be alone for the rest of my life. And since I don't know how to fix myself... I should probably just get used to being alone.

Broken

So the fact that I am quite fucked up and broken emotionally isn't going to go away unless I keep fighting and fighting and fighting to heal myself, somehow. Trying to get to that point is one wobbly, precarious, slowly-taken step after another, and for every blood-sweat-and-tears inch of progress I think I've made, I fall back about three.

I don't really know exactly why I am writing this, except to perhaps ponder the idea that writing more, on this blog, might be good for me. Most people seem to want to hide their fucked-up-ness. Maybe I need to wave mine like a fucking flag instead of trying to hide from it. Because I CAN'T hide from it, I can't suppress it. I've tried and it doesn't work. Writing more might help me to work out some of this poison shit in my head and heart and soul. Maybe it'll start a dialog with others that will help me to come to some new conclusion. I don't really know yet. It's nearly 5 a.m. and I haven't slept and I am aware of the possibility that I am a bit delirious at this point.

Ebb and flow

A bit of wisdom passed along to me from a friend; it's something I think I really needed to hear today. (Thank you, Jubi.)

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Reassuring Myself

Consoling myself has not ever, ever been an easy thing for me. My thoughts tend to snowball, worry overwhelms me, and my emotions can so easily spiral out of control.

All my life I have relied on various other people to help console me; often just talking about my worries helps a great deal. But that's not always possible; I can't always count on my friends, it's just not possible to have someone there for me 24/7.

So, how the hell do I, at nearly 35 years old, learn to comfort and console myself? It would be a nice measure of independence, I think...and that's a step in the direction I kinda desperately need to go.

Etsy shop - Prices reduced

So, yeah. I'm broke and I need money and my paintings aren't selling so I am reducing the prices in hopes that someone might buy something.

Here are the paintings currently available for purchase:

Empty - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43950763/empty-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Chasm - $100

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43911937/chasm-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

FUCK - $50

http://www.etsy.com/listing/42266003/fuck-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Divulsis - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/41416928/divulsus-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

My Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Nebulosus

I Am Okay

I guess it's time to just start pretending that everything is okay, and that I am okay, and to just close off everything inside; because when it comes right down to it, people don't want to deal with other people's shit and that's not something that will ever change, ever.

So I'll grit my teeth and smile and I'll do what everyone else does, because I know everybody else is fucked up too; they've just mastered the art of hiding it and somehow I never learned how to do that.

'Autosarcophagy' in Second Life Showcase

So I was awake unusually early this morning, decided to log into SL for no particular reason, and was just sort of hanging out at my shop (Numinous). I've noticed that I've been getting a LOT of people visiting lately, so I asked a random person how they heard about my place:

[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: hello
[7:01] random person: hi
[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: how did you hear about my shop?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: a lot of people have been coming here lately and i'm wondering where they heard about it, lol
[7:02] random person: i heard about it from the Destination Guide
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: oh?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: where is that? haha
[7:02] random person: do you have SL viewer 2?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: no
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: well, i do but i am using the emerald viewer
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: oh! i'm in the Showcase
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: holy crap O_O
[7:03] random person: oh, well if you had viewer 2 you could open a menu on the right which would bring up the destination guide
[7:03] random person: yeah pretty much
[7:03] random person: haha
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: wow XD
[7:04] random person: the guide refers to the scene in the picture behind me
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: yes :)))
[7:04] random person: in fact that's the picture they were showing
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: wow!! i wonder how the heck i got nominated for the Showcase!
[7:05] random person: maybe lots of ppl just liked your place, or else whoever makes the showcase happened to like it
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: maybe :)
[7:05] random person: seems kind of cool so far
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: thanks for talking to me, haha
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: aww thanks
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: well, just click the sign to teleport up there :)
[7:06] random person: will do, thanks

It's actually referring to Autosarcophagy & not my shop, so I hurried to put up a more obvious teleport sign up to the installation. Wow! I wonder how the hell I got into the Showcase!

(teleport, btw: slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/172/88/391)

Edit: Thank you to whoever nominated my build for the Showcase. I needed this little ray of hope more than you could probably imagine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.