It gets to a point in your life when you realize you are too fucked up to fix yourself or to be fixed by anything or anyone. And that your brokenness will prevent you from the things you really want, because you are too defective, and that will thwart and destroy the things you desire. It's like some kind of infectious disease. You will destroy the things you desire or love simply by touching them. The rot will spread and disintegrate everything.
From all the mistakes and mishaps and setbacks and pain and misfortune and heartbreak I have been through, I hoped and wished I could have at least learned something from it. The only thing I've learned is bitterness.