Growth

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.”

—Anais Nin

Why

There are times that I feel like just walking away from all of this -- Second Life, an art career, stuff like that.

I can't help but wonder: what is the point of it all?

Do I really have anything important or significant to say to the world? I mean, really?

I struggle with the notion that my work is mediocre at best, for the most part; and that I just can't hack it. I feel some joy at minor accomplishments & small victories, but it's not enough; I am unfulfilled. I keep trying, but I'm still left feeling empty. I'm not satisfied.

Plenty of artists & creative people are perfectly content to retread familiar art territory; and plenty of good, even GREAT art comes out of that process. But that's not enough for me. I struggle to find something NEW, to discover something that has never been seen or done before. Second Life art is a start, but... it doesn't quite fill that void yet for me, not yet anyway.

And even if I found sudden success in that respect -- What the hell would I do with the whole art world rat-race anyway? I couldn't handle that, at least not now, as I am.

These are all simply rhetorical questions; the only answers I can really expect are from myself, and with time.

I'm not giving up, I CAN'T give up. Just having an existential crisis, again. Questioning, re-examining, searching, wondering, thinking.

4 years in Second Life.

Today marks the fourth anniversary of my arrival into Second Life -- my fourth "rez day," as it's called.

I celebrated the occasion as I usually do -- in solitude, in thought, while visiting the realms of an SL resident whose work I particularly admire, Baron Grayson.

(Incidentally, his rez day is about one year before mine, almost exactly - his is May 23, 2004.)

When I first came to SL, I spent much of my time at his island, Sanctum Sanctorum -- it was my "home" for the first couple of months. Baron's builds were my first realization that building, creating, and making art in Second Life could be something really extraordinary.

Several weeks ago, I visited his current sim, The Nameless Isle, and found a breathtaking scene at the virtual water's edge. I've spent hours there, immersed in the colors and ambient sounds.

As a tribute to Baron Grayson, I made a brief machinima with some video clips I filmed there:

(If you cannot see the above embedded video, click here)

Thank you, Baron, for continuing to inspire me 4 years later.

Kitten-shaped hole in my heart.

In March of 2006, my roommate and I took in a family of unwanted cats -- a mother cat and her litter of 5-week old kittens.

My roommate's sister, a veterinary assistant, told us that the momma cat's previous owner dropped them off at the vet's office, saying that she didn't want them anymore; that they had "lost their charm," and that she wanted them euthanized.

Horrified by this story, my roommate & I decided that we could make room for these cats temporarily, until the kittens were old enough to be adopted.

The hardest part was confining a space for them. We already had four cats of our own, and wanted to make sure to give the mother a safe, quiet place to care for her babies, without our cats interfering. My roommate decided to convert her bedroom into the nursery. She bought secondhand blankets and spread them out over the carpet, bought a new litterbox, etc.

And to make a long story short, we helped to raise & care for the 5 kittens over the next couple of months.

Although we already had cats of our own, we decided almost immediately that we would keep at least one.

Though we adored them all, we had our favorites.

My roommate had instantly fallen in love with this one, whom she eventually named Puzzle:

I was drawn to 2 of the kittens equally -- the grey & white tabby (whom we nicknamed Little Grey), and the other tortoiseshell kitten (who I eventually named Oatmeal):

As the kittens grew, we knew that we had to look into getting most of them adopted (including the momma cat); my roommate was having an increasingly tough time sharing her bedroom with them. However, we had gotten so attached to the kitties that we decided that we could keep two, and that each of us could choose one. For my roommate, the choice was rather easy -- although she loved the black & white kitten a lot too, Puzzle was obviously her little soul-mate.

For me, the decision was really, really difficult. I had bonded a lot with Oatmeal and Little Grey and was quite attached to them both. In the end, I decided to keep Oatmeal, but saying goodbye to Grey really broke my heart. I wish we could have kept them both, but two new kittens was already too much; no way could we afford, or handle, three. It killed me to have to choose.

Hopefully, Grey is happy with her new family. I suppose I will never know.

After she was adopted, in May of that year, it took me a little while to get over her, and for the most part I have moved on...

However, last night, out of the blue, I dreamed about her -- perhaps it was just old memories resurfacing. In my dream, I very vividly remember how it felt to hold her, her soft little body cradled against my chest, her tiny paw curled around my fingertip, her ear against my nose.

I love Oatmeal, and I would not give her up for anything, but how I wish I had been able to keep Grey, too. I miss her -- god, I miss her. I've been crying about her for hours and I can't stop and I don't know why. I am haunted by her; I feel I have lost a part of myself.

I miss you, Little Grey, wherever you are; I'm sorry I gave you up.



More pictures:


(If you are unable to view the embedded slideshow, click here)

YES

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it."
-- Steve Jobs

Listless

Been feeling very restless lately, especially about where I live (geographically speaking). I need to get out there & see more of the world. All I need is a little more money & courage...

Important reading

Came across this last night --

The Line - Virus Comix

"...This is the story of a Line - a line that separates the place where everyone begins from the place where too many bring themselves, no matter their age, nation, or circumstances.

A line that separates the reasonably just from the mere functionary.

That separates empathy from sympathy.

Difficult from easy.

That separates being true to yourself from seeing social acceptance as an excuse not to have to think, from being content to do the wrong thing because everyone else is doing it too, because if everyone is guilty than no-one is guilty..."

Might be a lot for some people to read, but hang in there -- it's definitely worth your time and effort.

"Beauty is the enemy"

...Glorify the grotesque
Uprooting ugliness to be their heroic standard
Ugliness my flag
Ugliness my flag
Be warned, you are marred
Misshapen
Measly
Your desperation is disfigured devotion
Beauty is the enemy
Acceptance of ugliness is the
redemption of sanity
There is no beauty, only ugliness
There is no glamour, only ghastly blemish
All romance disfigured
All morals monstrous
All beauty our enemy
They are the elect to whom grotesque things bring only rapture
Genocidal chatter
Merely nodding
Ugliness is a form of genius...

[ cEvin Key / Genesis P-Orridge ]

25 things

& yes, that's Halloween makeup. :P

1.) I don't know how to ride a bike or how to rollerskate.
2.) I've never flown on a plane before (partly because I am deathly afraid of it), and I have never (yet) traveled outside the U.S.
3.) I can spot typos or misspellings a mile away -- they drive me fucking batshit nuts. Whenever I discover a typo or mistake I have made, I feel deeply ashamed. Writing anything takes me forever because I always re-read eveything I've written about 5 times, at least.
4.) I was in the Girl Scouts for 6 years when I was a kid and I loved it, except for the selling-cookies part.
5.) I am supposedly related to Emily Dickinson (the poet) on my mother's side.
6.) I am a licensed cosmetologist (hairstylist) in the state of CT, but I have never pursued it as a career, nor have I ever wanted to. I keep up my license so I can still buy professional hair products. :P
7.) I rarely drink and I can't remember the last time I was actually drunk.
8.) I quit smoking about 3 years ago somewhat out of the blue, completely cold-turkey. It was easier than I imagined it would be.
9.) I live with (yes, "live with," I don't see animals as possessions) 6 cats and I'd rather hang out with them than with most people.
10.) I am severely allergic to horses and can't be in an enclosed space with them for any length of time.
11.) I haven't owned a car for over a year and I'm kinda in no rush to get another.
12.) I once found a piece of quartz crystal in Arkansas. I was 12 years old. I was on a camping trip with my family and one night on the way to the bathroom, I saw something glittering in the low light. I was drawn to it, dug it up, and found the crystal. I still have it.
13.) I haven't had my natural hair color since I was 12 or 13. I started with Sun-In hair lightener (http://www.sun-in.com/lemon.asp) since I wasn't allowed to do anything more drastic at that age. The rest is history.
14.) If I had not been an artist, I may have pursued a career in science.
15.) I never listen to the radio. EVER. I love music, but not the fucking crap they play on mainstream radio.
16.) If I could have a real working third eye implanted to my forehead, I would do it in a second despite my fear of doctors/hospitals.
17.) I am a supertaster (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supertaster) and in general am a highly sensitive person (sensory and emotionally). I also have ADD but I don't take meds for it.
18.) I wish I had learned how to play the piano.
19.) I taught myself to swim. When I was about 5, my mom brought me to swimming lessons, but I didn't take to it -- I was too scared. But when my family got a pool put in a couple years later, I was able to relax more and learn on my own.
20.) I think I probably have asthma that was never diagnosed.
21.) I've never had a cavity in my entire life. (*knocks on wood*)
22.) I am simultaneously both an only child and the eldest of 6 children. I am my father's only offspring; my mother remarried and had 5 other kids with my stepdad (my half-brothers).
23.) I have a tiny tattoo (about 0.75 inches) of an anarchy symbol on the right side of my right knee. It was given to me by my friend Dakota, when I was about 18. He used india ink and a sewing needle attached to a broken pencil.
24.) I could sing the alphabet reasonably well before I was a year old.
25.) I spend way, way, way, WAY too much time thinking. My brain never shuts off, ever.

2008 in review

2008 was a pretty big year for me; I feel that I made a good amount of personal and artistic growth, so I'd like to spend a moment or two documenting some of the more significant moments.

[I actually started this post about a week ago and have only just finished it. :P]

JANUARY 2008
-- I uploaded the infamous 'Odious Source' picture to Flickr that stirred up a shitstorm (technically, it was uploaded on Dec. 31st, 2007 but the resulting controversy came the day/s after):


-- I hosted the Second Annual David Bowie Birthday Bash in SL:


-- I was invited to exhibit an art piece in the Amsterdam sim in SL, so I created the installation 'Come Closer,' a site-specific interactive, kinetic piece:


-- Construction of Arthole, the collaborative gallery in SL for me and my friend/art co-conspirator Arahan Claveau (Steve Millar) began:



FEBRUARY 2008
-- I did the construction & art directing for a sociological / identity / gender exploration / embodiment / performance-art piece in SL called 'The Labor Project,' concept by Rivka Rau and Jubilant Quackenbush:



MARCH 2008
-- I was featured in the (now-defunct) SL tabloid The Avastar as one of the Top Ten most influential women of SL (I was chosen as the art candidate):


-- I began exhibiting work semi-regularly at Brooklyn Is Watching, beginning with Bunnykenball:


-- I found an actual Bunnyken on Ebay, bid on it, and won:



APRIL 2008
-- Arthole opens! Our first guest artist was Ichibot Nishi:


-- I was invited to join the Not Possible In Real Life (NPIRL) group in SL.


MAY 2008
-- Arahan, Ichibot, and I participated in the Kunstvlaai festival, held in the Virtual Holland and Amsterdam sims, an event in Amsterdam with components both in real-life and in SL:


-- Khamudy Mannonen, a friend, donated the Arthole Annex, a piece of virtual land, to our gallery so that we'd have a bit more space in which to build:


-- I participated in the group Hyperformalist exhibition in SL called Kiss the Sky:


-- I participated in the Garden of NPIRL Delights, a multi-artist event held in SL; my build was called 'Excess of Sorrow Laughs / Excess of Joy Weeps':


-- I hit my third rez-day, or the 3-year anniversary of the date I first came to SL:


-- I bought a Wacom digital drawing tablet, finally! --


-- Changed my avatar shape to be less-skinny.


JUNE 2008
-- I hosted an event at Arthole for Arahan, who had decided to cancel his Flickr account:


-- I was offered the use of a sim for 2 months by Bettina Tizzy, founder of NPIRL; that project eventually became the installation 'Chasm,' but originally started off VERY differently.

-- I decided to close my SL shop, Numinous, to focus on more art projects:



JULY 2008
-- I finished my SL installation 'So Flows the Current' at the Depot 7 sim:


-- I also completed the 'Chasm' installation:


-- I was asked by SL fashion designer Callie Cline to work with her on an ensemble for a virtual fashion show at the Black Swan sim:



AUGUST 2008
-- Arahan and I created the performance piece 'ORIENTATION' for the Club Goodbye Dollar event held in both SL and real life:


-- The second season of Arthole opened, with new guest artist Selavy Oh:


-- I took day trips to Boston and Maine:



SEPTEMBER 2008
-- I collaborated again with Callie Cline for another virtual fashion show at the Black Swan sim:


-- I helped to plan and build for the third anniversary celebration of Le Cimetiere, a virtual nightclub owned by my good friend Jinx Paz:


-- I built an installation, 'Ornamental Love,' for the Sintetika sim in SL:


-- 'ORIENTATION' is re-created and filmed for PICNIC 08, an arts and technology event in Amsterdam:


-- Arthole Radio launches its weekly show, with Amy Freelunch (Amy Wilson) joining the line-up shortly after:



OCTOBER 2008
-- I built a Halloween-themed installation, 'In The Hall of the Pumpkin King' for the Cetus Gallery in SL:



NOVEMBER 2008
-- I accepted my first real-life commission for a work of art, which was sold to my friend known as Sunshine Kukulcan in SL; it was completed and shipped in December:

(crappy phone-cam pic; better photos to be added soon)


DECEMBER 2008
-- I was interviewed on Skype by Amy Wilson (aka Amy Freelunch) for Arthole Radio -- you can listen to it here - http://arthole.shadow-dominion.com/Amy/wilsonep12.mp3




Also of note in 2008:
-- I overcame my fear of the dentist (for the most part) and started going back regularly, which was a HUGE step for me, since I had not gone in many years. Fortunately, I had no serious issues and only needed a series of deep cleanings.
-- I met a few Second Life friends in person, though I am not going to mention their names, out of respect for their privacy and my own.

Why, indeed.

Lately, I have been feeling used up, bored, restless, uninspired, empty, burnt-out, frustrated, wanting.

I know it's just a phase and it will pass, but in the meantime, it SUCKS. I want something to focus all my energy into, and nothing seems to feel right... feels like all I am doing is killing time, now. I need a PROJECT, for fuck's sake. I need to WORK, I need something NEW.

Shop

It is with quite a bit of reluctance that I return to the realm of selling things in Second Life.


I used to have a shop called Numinous, but I closed it in June of 2008 so that I could focus more on creating art. I always felt like I had a bit of an obligation hanging over my head to keep updating and promoting it, which frustrated me to no end -- especially since the commerce world of Second Life has gotten much, much more competitive (and cutthroat).

But I also missed out on MUCH needed funding that helped keep up my artistic pursuits. Arthole has a donation box, but I'm simply not getting enough from that.

So to make a long story short, I recently began setting up a NEW shop; however, this one has an entirely different philosophy.

It's called Night-Ghast, and you can purchase anything I create there by simply making a donation of L$1 or more for the item you want.

So, that if you think a Glowing Tree I made is worth L$50, you can pay the vendor that amount; or, if you like a jewelry set I made but only have a few Lindenbux to spend, you can pay the vendor L$1 and still get it.


Why am I doing it this way?

Two reasons:
-- I feel uncomfortable asking for a certain amount of money; I never know what to charge for things.
-- I want my products to be accessible and affordable. Art/culture/cool stuff shouldn't JUST be for people who have a lot of money.

I will blog more about this soon. In the meantime, if you want to check out what I have set up so far (at the moment, it's winter/holiday/Xmas stuff), here's a SLurl --
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/243/89/149