Done

I'm so, so fucking done with everything. Done with dealing with other people, done with trying to fucking make things work, tired of being letdown and fucked over and neglected and being disappointed. I don't want to be around people at all anymore. Sick of human interaction. I'm done with all of it.

Going easy on myself

One thing I need to really, really work on is how to stop HATING myself when I mess up, feel guilty, etc.

I have had good opportunity to hate myself tonight; I hurt someone near and dear to me very much and I was completely irrational and unfair and mean.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt as I lay here trying to fall asleep. My first instinct in situations like this is immediate, intense self-loathing. But in the half-awake haze of semi-consciousness, some inner voice made a very good point: "Yes, you SHOULD feel bad for what you've done, but DON'T hate yourself. Hate never solves ANYTHING. Make amends for what you've done in every way possible, LEARN not to fucking do it again, forgive yourself and grow up a little bit and move on."

Someday

Someday, maybe I'LL be the one chosen, for a change.

But I doubt it. Hasn't been that way for nearly 35 years.

I don't know how

I don't know how to be a human being who doesn't fuck up every relationship I have ever been in.

I always go into a new one trying so fucking hard to remain calm, and rational, and all that shit. Yet time and time again, I manage to freak out, worry, become insecure, get too clingy, and then I either eventually push them away, or the other person says "fuck this" and runs away. And I end up crushed, grieving, in pain, and even more scarred and fucked up emotionally than I was before.

I try so, so, so fucking hard to break this pattern, but I never succeed. It has made me come to the conclusion that I am too irreparably damaged and defective to ever be able to have a close relationship at all. Even my closest friends just don't know how to handle me after awhile. I'm caught in this loop and I can't seem to stop hating myself.

Seems like I have to stumble through life just having superficial, non-close, non-intimate relationships, because when people get to know the real me inside, they don't want to deal with it, no matter how patient and accepting they seem, no matter how reassuring they are initially.

I suppose it is ultimately all my fault and that I should just suck it up and fix myself or expect to be alone for the rest of my life. And since I don't know how to fix myself... I should probably just get used to being alone.

Broken

So the fact that I am quite fucked up and broken emotionally isn't going to go away unless I keep fighting and fighting and fighting to heal myself, somehow. Trying to get to that point is one wobbly, precarious, slowly-taken step after another, and for every blood-sweat-and-tears inch of progress I think I've made, I fall back about three.

I don't really know exactly why I am writing this, except to perhaps ponder the idea that writing more, on this blog, might be good for me. Most people seem to want to hide their fucked-up-ness. Maybe I need to wave mine like a fucking flag instead of trying to hide from it. Because I CAN'T hide from it, I can't suppress it. I've tried and it doesn't work. Writing more might help me to work out some of this poison shit in my head and heart and soul. Maybe it'll start a dialog with others that will help me to come to some new conclusion. I don't really know yet. It's nearly 5 a.m. and I haven't slept and I am aware of the possibility that I am a bit delirious at this point.

Ebb and flow

A bit of wisdom passed along to me from a friend; it's something I think I really needed to hear today. (Thank you, Jubi.)

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Reassuring Myself

Consoling myself has not ever, ever been an easy thing for me. My thoughts tend to snowball, worry overwhelms me, and my emotions can so easily spiral out of control.

All my life I have relied on various other people to help console me; often just talking about my worries helps a great deal. But that's not always possible; I can't always count on my friends, it's just not possible to have someone there for me 24/7.

So, how the hell do I, at nearly 35 years old, learn to comfort and console myself? It would be a nice measure of independence, I think...and that's a step in the direction I kinda desperately need to go.

Etsy shop - Prices reduced

So, yeah. I'm broke and I need money and my paintings aren't selling so I am reducing the prices in hopes that someone might buy something.

Here are the paintings currently available for purchase:

Empty - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43950763/empty-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Chasm - $100

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43911937/chasm-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

FUCK - $50

http://www.etsy.com/listing/42266003/fuck-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Divulsis - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/41416928/divulsus-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

My Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Nebulosus

I Am Okay

I guess it's time to just start pretending that everything is okay, and that I am okay, and to just close off everything inside; because when it comes right down to it, people don't want to deal with other people's shit and that's not something that will ever change, ever.

So I'll grit my teeth and smile and I'll do what everyone else does, because I know everybody else is fucked up too; they've just mastered the art of hiding it and somehow I never learned how to do that.

'Autosarcophagy' in Second Life Showcase

So I was awake unusually early this morning, decided to log into SL for no particular reason, and was just sort of hanging out at my shop (Numinous). I've noticed that I've been getting a LOT of people visiting lately, so I asked a random person how they heard about my place:

[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: hello
[7:01] random person: hi
[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: how did you hear about my shop?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: a lot of people have been coming here lately and i'm wondering where they heard about it, lol
[7:02] random person: i heard about it from the Destination Guide
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: oh?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: where is that? haha
[7:02] random person: do you have SL viewer 2?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: no
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: well, i do but i am using the emerald viewer
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: oh! i'm in the Showcase
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: holy crap O_O
[7:03] random person: oh, well if you had viewer 2 you could open a menu on the right which would bring up the destination guide
[7:03] random person: yeah pretty much
[7:03] random person: haha
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: wow XD
[7:04] random person: the guide refers to the scene in the picture behind me
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: yes :)))
[7:04] random person: in fact that's the picture they were showing
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: wow!! i wonder how the heck i got nominated for the Showcase!
[7:05] random person: maybe lots of ppl just liked your place, or else whoever makes the showcase happened to like it
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: maybe :)
[7:05] random person: seems kind of cool so far
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: thanks for talking to me, haha
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: aww thanks
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: well, just click the sign to teleport up there :)
[7:06] random person: will do, thanks

It's actually referring to Autosarcophagy & not my shop, so I hurried to put up a more obvious teleport sign up to the installation. Wow! I wonder how the hell I got into the Showcase!

(teleport, btw: slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/172/88/391)

Edit: Thank you to whoever nominated my build for the Showcase. I needed this little ray of hope more than you could probably imagine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.