Friday, June 18, 2010

I don't know how

I don't know how to be a human being who doesn't fuck up every relationship I have ever been in.

I always go into a new one trying so fucking hard to remain calm, and rational, and all that shit. Yet time and time again, I manage to freak out, worry, become insecure, get too clingy, and then I either eventually push them away, or the other person says "fuck this" and runs away. And I end up crushed, grieving, in pain, and even more scarred and fucked up emotionally than I was before.

I try so, so, so fucking hard to break this pattern, but I never succeed. It has made me come to the conclusion that I am too irreparably damaged and defective to ever be able to have a close relationship at all. Even my closest friends just don't know how to handle me after awhile. I'm caught in this loop and I can't seem to stop hating myself.

Seems like I have to stumble through life just having superficial, non-close, non-intimate relationships, because when people get to know the real me inside, they don't want to deal with it, no matter how patient and accepting they seem, no matter how reassuring they are initially.

I suppose it is ultimately all my fault and that I should just suck it up and fix myself or expect to be alone for the rest of my life. And since I don't know how to fix myself... I should probably just get used to being alone.

2 comments:

Sowa Mai's dog said...

I should just suck it up and fix myself or expect to be alone for the rest of my life. And since I don't know how to fix myself... I should probably just get used to being alone.


There are a lot of us who feel the same way. I have found amongst like minded people I am not so alone and amongst the rest I pretend just like they do that its all peachy keen. Have you heard of A.R.T.S.? I started a group inworld but its nationwide anyway and helps a lot. It's like NA for artists lol Art is keeping me alive. I don't know if thats good or bad but its interesting still.

http://www.artsanonymous.org/

CM Pauluh aka Nebulosus Severine said...

Wow, I haven't heard of that organization or website before, but it sounds like something that could help me out, potentially. Thank you so much for passing along the info.