Monday, July 12, 2010

Stuff lately

I emailed this to a friend who recently inquired about my emotional state. Others have been wondering too, so... here you go:

Thanks for poking me again. It is helpful and comforting that people like you are reaching out to me, and I appreciate it far more than I can probably express.

Maybe I have mentioned this before, but I have felt utterly lost and directionless since
Arthole closed. I had some phases of real-life artwork productivity earlier this year, as you may know; but my moods lately have stifled my creativity more than they've inspired or helped it.

There are other factors adding to my emotions lately as well. Real-life complications in my personal relationships. The dissolving of many art circles, social circles, and hangouts that I once frequented in SL. General frustration with my RL job and the struggle to make ends meet. The fact that my closest friends are, for the most part, scattered around the country and the world when I need their RL company so much at times. And as a highly sensitive, emotional creature, these things overwhelm me to the point sometimes that I feel I can't cope.

I used to consider myself more of a loner, and perhaps I still am at times; too much socializing can drain me & I need to escape. But I have come to realize that I need to feel connected. I used to kind of stay closed off to all but my closest friends. But now I see no point in that and I'm just allowing more of my whole self to just show, scars and all. I know I'm a bit intense and fucked up and eccentric and maybe too much for certain people to handle, but so what. The right ones will stick around I suppose. A lot haven't. Oh well.

I need direction. I need a build partner or collaborator. I need a lover. I need more friends, RL and SL. I need to make more money so I don't have to struggle so much. I NEED projects and things to work on (but I need to find the motivation and drive to do so again). These all seem like reasonable requests but at times it seems like it's just too much to ask for, so maybe I don't deserve it...? I also need to stop being so hard on myself; I need to learn to not beat myself up so much.

Well, that's what is up with me in the most basic of explanations. With everything piled up, it seems so insurmountable at the moment. I know I'll survive as I always have, but...I can't see the next step, or the next path, that I need to take. I feel like I'm drowning a lot and I almost wish I just had someone to tell me what to do.

Thank you.

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