Curator's Choice Award (late post)

My artwork entitled Cold, desolate, and alone won the Curator's Choice Award for the November round of the UWA 3D Open Art Challenge. The announcement ceremony was on December 5th, but I am only just getting caught up with blog stuff now.

Jayjay Zifanwe: Now for the newly established Curator's Choice Award (L$2,500). I'll use FreeWee Ling's words to explain it: "As the curator of the UWA challenge I live and work with all of these works in a very intimate way over a period of time that is qualitatively different from the casual gallery visitor. The Curator's Choice award is not necessarily what I consider to be the best piece in the competition. Rather it is a piece or an artist that is not a prize winner, but that I think deserves a deeper look. The winner does complex work that is disturbing and dark. While Gothic subjects tend to be sensational and unappealing to me -- blood and gore for its own sake-- I find myself really engaged by the quality of both her imaginative vision and her renderings in virtual space that combine elements of her real and virtual work. This piece is an imaginative and courageous emotional statement. She is an intelligent and deeply thoughtful artist." And thus it is, that the very first Curator's Choice Award (L$2,500) goes to COLD, DESOLATE & ALONE by Nebulosus Severine.

Thank you to Jayjay and FreeWee and to everyone involved with the UWA!

More info about the UWA:
The University of Western Australia in Second Life

Phase 2 of Financial Independence - Update

Slowly but surely, I am making progress toward Phase 2 of Financial Independence - Getting a cheap, drive-able car. I've been saving as much as I can, which usually only amounts to a few bucks a week after all my bills are paid and stuff.

At this moment in time, I have $366 dollars in my savings account. If you are inclined to help me toward my financial goal, bear in mind that any money I make from selling art will go straight into my savings. I still have 3 paintings for sale on Etsy - http://www.etsy.com/shop/Nebulosus

I also am eagerly willing to take on commission work. If you're interested, please do contact me via email (nebulosus DOT severine AT gmail DOT com).

If you're interested in making a donation, you can do so through Paypal.

Thank you for your continued support.

It's the little things.

Last evening, I learned an important life lesson.

Sneaking wine into the movie theatre & getting tipsy whilst watching people get ripped apart on the big screen = AWESOME.

Article: The 'two-spirit' people of indigenous North Americans

Thought this would a great article to share in honor of National Coming Out Day.

The 'two-spirit' people of indigenous North Americans
Walter L Williams

Native Americans have often held intersex, androgynous people, feminine males and masculine females in high respect. The most common term to define such persons today is to refer to them as "two-spirit" people, but in the past feminine males were sometimes referred to as "berdache" by early French explorers in North America, who adapted a Persian word "bardaj", meaning an intimate male friend. Because these androgynous males were commonly married to a masculine man, or had sex with men, and the masculine females had feminine women as wives, the term berdache had a clear homosexual connotation. Both the Spanish settlers in Latin America and the English colonists in North America condemned them as "sodomites".

Rather than emphasising the homosexuality of these persons, however, many Native Americans focused on their spiritual gifts. American Indian traditionalists, even today, tend to see a person's basic character as a reflection of their spirit. Since everything that exists is thought to come from the spirit world, androgynous or transgender persons are seen as doubly blessed, having both the spirit of a man and the spirit of a woman. Thus, they are honoured for having two spirits, and are seen as more spiritually gifted than the typical masculine male or feminine female.

Therefore, many Native American religions, rather than stigmatising such persons, often looked to them as religious leaders and teachers. Quite similar religious traditions existed among the native peoples of Siberia and many parts of Central and southeast Asia. Since the ancestors of Native Americans migrated from Siberia over 20,000 years ago, and since reports of highly respected androgynous persons have been noted among indigenous Americans from Alaska to Chile, androgyny seems to be quite ancient among humans.

Rather than the physical body, Native Americans emphasised a person's "spirit", or character, as being most important. Instead of seeing two-spirit persons as transsexuals who try to make themselves into "the opposite sex", it is more accurate to understand them as individuals who take on a gender status that is different from both men and women. This alternative gender status offers a range of possibilities, from slightly effeminate males or masculine females, to androgynous or transgender persons, to those who completely cross-dress and act as the other gender. The emphasis of Native Americans is not to force every person into one box, but to allow for the reality of diversity in gender and sexual identities.

Most of the evidence for respectful two-spirit traditions is focused on the native peoples of the Plains, the Great Lakes, the Southwest, and California. With over a thousand vastly different cultural and linguistic backgrounds, it is important not to overgeneralise for the indigenous peoples of North America. Some documentary sources suggest that a minority of societies treated two-spirit persons disrespectfully, by kidding them or discouraging children from taking on a two-spirit role. However, many of the documents that report negative reactions are themselves suspect, and should be evaluated critically in light of the preponderance of evidence that suggests a respectful attitude. Some European commentators, from early frontier explorers to modern anthropologists, also were influenced by their own homophobic prejudices to distort native attitudes.

Two-spirit people were respected by native societies not only due to religious attitudes, but also because of practical concerns. Because their gender roles involved a mixture of both masculine and feminine traits, two-spirit persons could do both the work of men and of women. They were often considered to be hard workers and artistically gifted, of great value to their extended families and community. Among some groups, such as the Navajo, a family was believed to be economically benefited by having a "nadleh" (literally translated as "one who is transformed") androgynous person as a relative. Two-spirit persons assisted their siblings' children and took care of elderly relatives, and often served as adoptive parents for homeless children.

A feminine male who preferred to do women's work (gathering wild plants or farming domestic plants) was logically expected to marry a masculine male, who did men's work (hunting and warfare). Because a family needed both plant foods and meat, a masculine female hunter, in turn, usually married a feminine female, to provide these complementary gender roles for economic survival. The gender-conforming spouse of two-spirit people did not see themselves as "homosexual" or as anything other than "normal".

In the 20th-century, as homophobic European Christian influences increased among many Native Americans, respect for same-sex love and for androgynous persons greatly declined. Two-spirit people were often forced, either by government officials, Christian missionaries or their own community, to conform to standard gender roles. Some, who could not conform, either went underground or committed suicide. With the imposition of Euro-American marriage laws, same-sex marriages between two-spirit people and their spouses were no longer legally recognised. But with the revitalisation of Native American "red power" cultural pride since the 60s, and the rise of gay and lesbian liberation movements at the same time, a new respect for androgyny started slowly re-emerging among American Indian people.

Because of this tradition of respect, in the 90s many gay and lesbian Native American activists in the United States and Canada rejected the French word berdache in favour of the term two-spirit people to describe themselves. Many non-American Indians have incorporated knowledge of Native American two-spirit traditions into their increasing acceptance of same-sex love, androgyny and transgender diversity. Native American same-sex marriages have been used as a model for legalising same-sex marriages, and the spiritual gifts of androgynous persons have started to become more recognised.

Walter L Williams is the author of The Spirit and the Flesh (Boston: Beacon Press) and is Professor of Anthropology, History and Gender Studies at the University of Southern California.

(Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/oct/11/two-spirit-people-north-america)

Shadows & Spirits show -- opens today!

My installation, 'Ulalume,' is inspired by the poem of the same name by Edgar Allan Poe.

Hope to see you there!

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Universe/82/58/25

Last days of the Barnes & Noble Music Department, Enfield CT

At 8:04 pm on October 5, 2010, the Music Department in our store ceased to exist.

I spent about 6 years working in this department. I helped to set it up before this store even opened in the Fall of 2002. I'll carry on elsewhere, and adapt to the changes at work as I've always done, but this is still difficult to come to terms with.

I brought up the customer orders/holds to the front, and made this sign to hang outside the (former) Music department. As I wrote the last couple of letters, I broke down a bit.

See the rest of the set here --



(Click here if you are unable to view the above embedded slideshow --
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nebulosus_severine/sets/72157624981107435/show/)

New drawing -- Aphonic

(Done a couple of weeks ago.)

Aphonic
Ballpoint pen on paper
Approx. 8.5 in. x 11 in.
(September 2010)

The Darkness with the Infinite Depths

I am a bit behind in blogging my latest installation, The Darkness with the Infinite Depths.

EXAMINATION OF THE AVATAR AS A TRANSMUTABLE SELF-PORTRAIT.
The compulsion to express my emotions visually (viscerally) through my avatar has lead me to deep introspection and profound exploration of self-knowledge as an artist and a sentient being. It is allowing me to free my essential, inner self; to evolve/grow/heal -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically.

slurl.com/secondlife/Caerleon%20Isle/220/128/40

Part of The Caerleon Museum of Identity
Grand Opening Saturday, October 2, 2010
Collaborative Multi-Artist Exhibition Features Works of 18 Artists

The 18 artists participating in this collaboration include:

* Artistide Despres
* Botgirl Questi
* Cat Bocaccio
* Chrome Underwood
* FreeWee Ling
* Fuscia Nightfire
* Gracie Kendal
* Ian Pahute
* L1aura Loire
* Lollito Larkham
* Maya Paris
* Nebulosus Severine
* Pete Jiminy
* Pixels Sideways
* RAG Randt
* Sabrinaa Nightfire
* Taralyn Gravois
* Wotthe Dickins

No use

I don't want to fucking feel anymore.

I don't want to desire, or want, or need anymore.

I want to kill off these parts of myself that crave human companionship, or affection, or love, or the need to be fucked. These urges are of no use to me whatsoever.

Fucking DIE.

FUCK you.

Fuck you, Roan.

Suck it up, crybaby

Really, really don't like my life right now. Oh fucking well. There's nothing for me to even say or do anymore except to shrug and suck it the fuck up and just carry on, because it's either that or die. Right about now I prefer the latter. Sick of this shit.

Phase 2 of financial independence - Get a cheap, drive-able car.

Thus far, I have asked for more hours at work by offering to cross-train in other departments as well as open up my availability in what hours I am able to work. Beginning the third week of September, I will begin training to work in the Cafe. Hopefully, I will be able to sustain the extra 10 or so hours a week.

With that, I can begin Phase 2 of moving toward financial independence -- getting a car.

In the next month I plan to quickly stockpile about $500 or so, and enlist the help of knowledgeable friends, to get me a halfway decent car that will at least get me around town so that I won't have to rely on others for rides. That will make it a LOT easier for me to get a second job.

I'm also working more on my Second Life shop to hopefully bring in whatever pennies I can. Autumn's pretty much here and my Halloween items have always sold very well, so I plan to maximize that potential.

I also gratefully accept donations, if you are so inclined.

'Autosarcophagy' closing

I will be dismantling my installation 'Autosarcophagy' next weekend - it will be gone by the end of the day on Sept. 12, so come see it while you still can!

As always, thank you for your support!

Click this SLurl to visit in-world:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/170/89/391

Canvas

Ad seen in a magazine today:

"An Artist Wouldn't Destroy His Canvas Before Creating A Masterpiece..."

I destroy canvases, before ever applying a drop of paint, on a fairly regular basis. Seems to work for ME.

(Dunno if I'd consider my stuff 'masterpiece' quality, but...you know what I mean.)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

My drawing, The Language of Flowers, published in The Hartford Courant

Several months ago, I submitted some artwork to the iTowns section of The Hartford Courant, a Connecticut newspaper. It prints the work of local artists once a week; and my drawing, The Language of Flowers, was selected for the August 22, 2010 edition.

Past iTowns covers by other artists can be seen here:

courant.com/itownsgallery

Local Connecticut artists can nominate their work here:

www.courant.com/submitcoverart

Life change, Step 1: Financial independence

I've been unfulfilled with my life in many ways for a long, long time and it's about time I started taking charge of my fucking destiny. I know that big changes are imminent to my personal life anyway, so I may as well try to direct the course of things as best as I can.

It's going to be a series of baby-steps probably, but I need to take them instead of just remaining trapped in this misery while life and everything else passes me by.

I came to the conclusion, while talking with some dear close friends over the past couple of days, that the first step I need to make, and probably the most difficult, is achieving Financial Independence. I've never been financially independent in my entire life. I'm far behind on bills and I don't have a car (haven't had one in over two years).

So, the first step I've taken in taking that first step is opening up my work schedule availability so that I can get more hours. Basically, I told the scheduling manager to use me like a bitch. At least I'll be starting to make a bit more money; maybe I'll be able to get a car. Then, maybe I can get a better job, or a second one, or both.

Baby steps.

Also, I'm terrified about my future. Just sayin'.

More weird patterns.

Tonight, probably about 7 people asked me where the restrooms are. I haven't had anyone ask me that in weeks, probably; and now today, everybody and their grandmother has asked me. Why the hell does stuff like that happen?

Also weird: Just today, for no apparent reason, I thought of a semi-regular customer -- her face just popped into my mind. Nobody I see that often, just someone I recognize. Annnnnd about an hour ago, she was in here. Weird.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I'm Glad You're My Friend Day

Friday the 13th is also I'm Glad You're My Friend Day. So I'm taking this moment to express my gratitude to my friends, whom I love dearly -- I love you all and I don't know how the hell I'd survive without you.

The Voice of Love is Bleeding

I threw together a last-minute installation entitled The Voice of Love is Bleeding in The Cubes section at the Carleon Isle sim in Second Life and it will probably only be up through this coming Wednesday, Aug. 18th.

Do make sure to check out the other Cube installations as well.. a lot of amazing art by amazing artists!

SLurl: http://slurl.com/secondlife/Caerleon%20Isle/40/113/65

For optimal viewing:

Please enable local lighting and set to Midnight.

Fly up and around the space to interact with the installation.

Halloween in July project

Some of my nearest and dearest friends in Second Life frequent, and run, a club called Fracture, and recently my friend Jubilant Quackenbush suggested the idea of having a Halloween in July event.

Jubi and our mutual friend Trinity Halberstadt put their heads together to brainstorm, and I built the creations as I envisioned them. Saturday, we had an epic party, with house DJs Luminis Kanto, Rose Mondalimare, and Fracture-founder Beta Bates!

I took a boatload of pictures:

Slideshow of all the pics:

(click here if you are unable to see the embedded slideshow)

Shark art prank

I happened to catch this on the news this morning:

Papier-mache shark attacks California statue

ARDIFF-BY-THE-SEA, Calif. — A bronze surfer statue near San Diego has been the target of many gags, but never one this big and scary.

Unknown predawn pranksters on Saturday surrounded the roadside statue in Cardiff-by-the-Sea with a papier mache model of a great white shark that appeared to be swallowing it whole.

Crowds of gawkers and photographers gathered around the 16-foot creation after the sun rose.

San Diego County sheriff’s Lt. Tony Ray said no criminal report was filed because there was no damage to the statue.

The $120,000 sculpture called “Magic Carpet Ride” was commissioned by the Cardiff Botanical Society in 2007.

The statue has been bedecked with bras, skirts and witch hats so many times that locals have come to call it “The Cardiff Kook.”

--The Associated Press

Mission accomplished

Got this offline IM today:

[7:40] C******** M*****: (Saved Tue Jul 27 09:03:46 2010) i love your bunny <3 You gave me nightmares .... xoxox

Confusing hairstyle

Um. I just saw a young-ish (early 20s?) guy with an intentional comb-over. Seriously. Most of his head was shaved (so, not actually balding), and the longer, stringy strands of hair were combed over that. I wish I were making this shit up. Oh well, I suppose I could have been hallucinating.

More weird

At work, again. I just sold two Bee Gees CDs to two separate, unrelated customers, in the past couple of hours. Prior to today, I can't remember the last time I sold a Bee Gees CD at all.

Artists' meeting, Push sim, July 24, 2010

A number of Second Life artists met today to discuss the future of collaborative projects in SL (& the metaverse at large), similar to the Brooklyn Is Watching concept.

A new plot of land has been donated for our use, and the meeting today was how to best proceed and continue.

It will be another space in which any artist can rez his or her work for a week at a time without restrictions on content.

The aim is, in part, to restart the practice of doing regular video podcasts & critiques of the work. The space will hopefully allow for performance and multimedia as well.

This meeting has hopefully kick-started a movement that will gain more serious recognition in the "real-life" art world.

Dumbphone

For a Smartphone, my Blackberry is pretty fucking dumb. Can't wait til I can (& can afford to) upgrade. Wanna switch companies, too, because AT&T doesn't offer any really decent phones. Bleh.

Weird

I'm at work. Two customers within the past hour forgot their keys on the register counter. Both were women; both paid for their purchases, left the department, then came back within a few minutes to retrieve their keys. Both sets of keys were left in the exact same spot; and in both cases, I failed to notice that the customer forgot to take her keys with her (I would have mentioned it), and I notice almost everything.

When I saw the second woman re-entering the department, the thought crossed my mind for a nanosecond, 'Wouldn't it be funny if she forgot her keys, too?' And sure enough, that's exactly what had happened.

That sort of thing VERY rarely happens, and tonight it happened twice in an hour? What the hell, haha. If it happens a third time, it'll be sort of freaky. Life is sometimes weird.

Newark Is Burning

Arahan Claveau's machinima response to the recent events surrounding Newark Is Watching:

Why was Mab's post deleted?

I used to be pretty heavily involved with the Brooklyn Is Watching (hybrid SL/RL) project in Second Life. To make a long story short (and this is just a very general explanation), BIW closed, became Newark Is Watching, and moved to a different sim, thanks to the very very generous donation of land by art supporter Mab MacMoragh.

Sadly, Mab soon has to give up the land that she so graciously donated for that length of time. She posted about the farewell recently on both the Brooklyn Is Watching and the Newark Is Watching blogs.

However, her post was deleted (censored?) from the NIW blog for reasons that aren't clear whatsoever. Her admin rights to the blog were removed, too.

So, for the purpose of drawing more attention to this, I have decided to repost Mab's post, plus the comments that followed.

we work in the dark
18 June 2010

We work in the dark–we do what we can–we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task. The rest is the madness of art. (Henry James)

Take care with people you meet because you can’t see what invisible mountain of burdens they carry. (Anon)

Arahan has posted on his blog about the surprise announcement that Oberon made on my behalf regarding my inability to continue with Newark is Watching. The comment I wrote in response was too large to be accepted, so I’m putting it here.

~~~~~~

Thank you for this Arahan. You’re a good friend. I haven’t made a statement about closing because I haven’t been capable of knowing what to think or say, and actually Oberon’s shocking (to me) group announcement was the first I’ve really thought about it in concrete terms. He knew I was struggling with a morass and took it upon himself to make it public, which was a tremendous favor to me as it unlocks the issues and makes things move along. I’m grateful for that.

I have no reason today to think the future of Newark is Watching will be anything other than different and interesting and new. This is my hope. The meeting on Saturday with all concerned (Gallery Aferro should attend) will be a beginning step to make it clearer what could happen, what the possibilities and limitations are, what the organization and structure of it should be.

Gallery Aferro has made public their preliminary schedule and, while I don’t know how it would all fall into place, it seems they now have time to learn and plan and revise, revise, revise, revise, if they’re serious and are open to the challenges, realities and possibilities of virtual art. My feeling is they’re interested in committing to a successful ongoing workable format, in whatever ultimate form it takes (probably a much different ultimate form than anyone can yet envision).

Last year when Jay asked me for land to temporarily rezz megaprims I was happy and honored to be in a position to help because I like him personally and felt like I knew him well enough to be able to judge that the financial sacrifice would be worthwhile. However neither of us could know then that not only would this temporary expense be prolonged indefinitely, but he was also asking for my blood, sweat and tears, and most of my real life useful waking hours (I don’t have many).

I don’t intend to take on an administrative role in the new Newark is Watching because it’s impossible for me, a severely disabled person who is frequently debilitated, to sort through nuts and bolts of something so complicated and labor-intensive. It’s dangerously easy for me as a naive nurturer to be swept into things like this over my head beyond my abilities. Too deep, too far. I hope to remain a quiet supportive observer of art on the periphery, as I was before. I have other dreams, long neglected now, set aside for Brooklyn is Watching’s sake. I have to be responsible with my life, as does everyone.

I can’t speak for others, but I have no feelings about what has happened on Push SIM with Brooklyn is Watching other than gratitude I could be of service. No regrets. Even if no one was making official podcasts, we were there talking about the art amongst ourselves, and in that real connection was poetry. I loved Brooklyn is Watching and its artists from everywhere with all their languages who would come and go and come back again leaving their marks and influences like waves on a beach. I’m not an art scholar or an art critic, though I respect those who genuinely are. I have no aspirations or abilities in Second Life to be anything other than an arts lover.
~~~~~~

The past is history. Let it go. Now is the time to prepare for the future. I wish Newark is Watching well. Thank you everyone for all you’ve done.

(crossposted)

Posted by Mab MacMoragh on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010 at 3:55 am.

----------------------------

2 Responses to “we work in the dark”

Mab, this is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for your support of all of us (I’m not even a SL artist and I feel so supported and nurtured by you!). Your support of SL art goes way beyond the financial – you’ve invested in us spiritually and emotionally, and I know that you gave of yourself until you were exhausted. I know you will remain an avid viewer, cheerleader, (generous) critic of, and participant in SL art, and I’m excited to see what this new chapter brings for you as well as the work that is yet to be made.

Left by Amy Freelunch on July 20th, 2010

----------------------------

Mab,

I did get your comment on my blog and have just published it and replied. I don’t know why it does that, I think it’s a bug, it does it to me too.

Anyway, ditto to what Amy said and here’s a copy of my reply -

“Thanks a lot for getting in touch and your thoughtful response.

I’ve been much less charitable in my summary of the situation than you, but your patience is a virtue I don’t posses. The lack of communication from Aferro has driven me nuts, call me old fashioned but when I ask questions I expect an answer. They’ve ignored us for a while now and that has caused a lot of bad feelings, so then to suddenly have a burst of activity and expect everyone to comply with their wishes whilst ignoring their failures strikes me as arrogant and deluded.

I do think the project has mainly fallen apart because of Jay’s absence, it needs an anchorman to keep everything focused, secure the guests etc. We all know that his organisation was sometimes chaotic but those early podcasts were often excellent, I listened to every episode very keenly, there were some brilliant guests who offered insights into SL art that was sorely lacking.

Jay seemed to lose interest and sort of wandered off, I still don’t really know why he did that, but the departure of the brains behind the project left a massive hole. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so harsh on Aferro, maybe they were roped into it without really knowing what was expected of them, after all Don at JTP was just the host, he didn’t get involved in organising anything else as far as I’m aware. But without Jay around his role has to be taken over by someone and so it is up to Aferro to take it on themselves or find (and pay) someone to do it for them.

I think you’re right to back off and protect yourself, there has to be a limit when things start affecting your health.

The most depressing thing about all of this is Brooklyn is Watching was a really great idea that has been badly neglected. Perhaps Newark will indeed rise to the challenge but it will take a lot of time and effort to bring it back to its former glory.

As you mentioned despite the absence of official podcasts there was still something worthwhile happening on Push. There was just so much uncertainty and confusion about BiW/NiW it always overshadowed everything positive.

Anyway Mab, big thanks to you for keeping the space alive for so long, it will be missed.”

Left by Arahan Claveau on July 20th, 2010

So... is there some reason that we're missing as to WHY the fuck Mab's post would have been deleted? She generously donated her land and time and money to supporting artists in SL without really asking for anything in return. The fact that she was basically given the finger by the NIW people is really goddamn awful.

She left these big boots behind at the Newark Is Watching parcel:

GIANT MOTHERFUCKING BOOT

Description: made for walkin'

----------------

Update - Mab has posted again on the Brooklyn Is Watching blog:

moving forward

Hello Gallery Aferro and Jay,

When I woke up today (I sleep at odd hours, similar to a baby’s schedule) I had communications that my latest blog post was taken off the Newark is Watching blog.

I can see that for myself now, and also that I have been denied access to the blog.

I realize it’s possible you may not understand this but I was involuntarily put in the very tough position of buffer between Aferro and Second Life® virtual artists whose work I care about and believe in, all of whom have been trying to do the best they could on a completely voluntary basis, blindfolded and hamstrung by uncertainty.

For every question you were asked and didn’t answer, I probably had a dozen related come to me, which I answered as well as I could and as promptly as I could, even if it was just to say ‘I don’t know, let’s try to find out’ or ‘we must keep an open mind’.

I have never attempted to influence anyone’s opinion on anything that has happened except to urge for understanding, patience and tolerance on your behalf.

The art in Second Life®, as in all participatory conceptual art, depends on engagement, curiosity, and timing – you get from it what you bring to it.

One of the things I have said to my son about being an artist is: Art must hit on the beat or have a good reason not to, otherwise it’s not art- it’s just dust in the wind.

Thank you for your time and as I said in my now-removed blog post, I wish you well.

Mab MacMoragh

Posted by Mab MacMoragh on Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 12:29 am.

Unwanted

Seems that if I didn't pester the fuck out of people to spend time with me, then nobody ever would. I'm sick of having to basically beg people to be with me. If I'm that unwanted, then I'll just disappear. Sorry to be such a pain in the ass. Am I THAT repellent? Why doesn't anybody fucking want me? Maybe someday, someone will choose ME, but I fucking doubt it. For 35 years I have been passed over, why the hell should that change? I know people LIKE me well enough, but not enough to be chosen over others. I guess I just don't have that kind of charisma. In fact, I must have the opposite of that.

My blog featured in New World Notes.

Wow!

Thanks to Hamlet Au for blogging me, & thanks to everyone who has responded and offered their support and empathy.

Stuff lately

I emailed this to a friend who recently inquired about my emotional state. Others have been wondering too, so... here you go:

Thanks for poking me again. It is helpful and comforting that people like you are reaching out to me, and I appreciate it far more than I can probably express.

Maybe I have mentioned this before, but I have felt utterly lost and directionless since Arthole closed. I had some phases of real-life artwork productivity earlier this year, as you may know; but my moods lately have stifled my creativity more than they've inspired or helped it.

There are other factors adding to my emotions lately as well. Real-life complications in my personal relationships. The dissolving of many art circles, social circles, and hangouts that I once frequented in SL. General frustration with my RL job and the struggle to make ends meet. The fact that my closest friends are, for the most part, scattered around the country and the world when I need their RL company so much at times. And as a highly sensitive, emotional creature, these things overwhelm me to the point sometimes that I feel I can't cope.

I used to consider myself more of a loner, and perhaps I still am at times; too much socializing can drain me & I need to escape. But I have come to realize that I need to feel connected. I used to kind of stay closed off to all but my closest friends. But now I see no point in that and I'm just allowing more of my whole self to just show, scars and all. I know I'm a bit intense and fucked up and eccentric and maybe too much for certain people to handle, but so what. The right ones will stick around I suppose. A lot haven't. Oh well.

I need direction. I need a build partner or collaborator. I need a lover. I need more friends, RL and SL. I need to make more money so I don't have to struggle so much. I NEED projects and things to work on (but I need to find the motivation and drive to do so again). These all seem like reasonable requests but at times it seems like it's just too much to ask for, so maybe I don't deserve it...? I also need to stop being so hard on myself; I need to learn to not beat myself up so much.

Well, that's what is up with me in the most basic of explanations. With everything piled up, it seems so insurmountable at the moment. I know I'll survive as I always have, but...I can't see the next step, or the next path, that I need to take. I feel like I'm drowning a lot and I almost wish I just had someone to tell me what to do.

Thank you.

Illness vs. will

I would like to point out, to anyone who might not understand, that emotional desperation, depression, etc., is NOT a matter of will.

It's not something one can simply CHOOSE to get over.

One cannot CHOOSE to make cancer go away.

Mental illness is exactly that -- an ILLNESS.

Will Work For Sanity

Something random just occurred to me recently while thinking about everything and nothing (as I often do).

I think that, as an artist, I am a bit similar to one of the working dog breeds - like an Australian Shepherd or a Border Collie, who require more activity and mental stimulation than other dogs -- in the sense that I NEED to have something to do. I need a project, I need something to keep me busy, I need a focus, I need to WORK on things to stay sane.

I think the fact that I have too much free time on my hands, & too little direction/focus lately, is a major contributing factor to my recent horrible, crushing moods & psychosis.

I used to be so very much involved with many projects in Second Life and that was GOOD for me. As an artist, one of the only ways I truly feel fulfilled is when I'm creating. When I am unable to do that for whatever reason, I always suffer. When I am also going through emotional crisis, it's only made that much worse. I can sometimes channel my feelings into art, which is cathartic and pacifying; but sometimes the emotions are too overwhelming and I'm simply paralyzed by them. That in turn makes me even more frustrated, and it snowballs from there...

I want to get more involved again. But I don't know where to begin or how to start or anything. I'm lost. I spend so much time wasting time that the casual observer might think I'm a slacker, or lazy... and I am sometimes, but the truth is that I DESPERATELY NEED WORK. I need motivation and passion and direction again. I need it like I need air.

Okay, so.

I realize I need a lot more than just therapy and/or meds. I need some sort of life coach or something. I am at the end of my rope and I have nothing. I have a roof over my head, but I can't be a burden to others anymore. I need to find a way to make a decent living and support myself so that others who have supported me for so long can get on with their lives.

I'm not normal. I can't financially support myself and have never been able to. I don't have a car. I have nothing, no credit, no family support. I need someone to basically hold my hand and tell me what to do every step of the way until I get there because I CANNOT do this by myself.

I'm reaching the end of the road & it's a dead end. I'm terrified and I am desperate. I can't live like this anymore. I feel like a helpless child. How the hell did I ever get this bad? How can I ever reclaim some sort of life for myself?

Art giveaway

Attention: anybody who wants any of my art, just come up with the shipping cost and I'll send it to you for free. Whatever I don't give away by the end of the year is going into the trash. So, seriously. If you want it, tell me.

'Empty' - sold

My painting, Empty, has been sold to a private buyer and thus removed from my Etsy page.

Hopefully, I will have more work to show soon.

Done

I'm so, so fucking done with everything. Done with dealing with other people, done with trying to fucking make things work, tired of being letdown and fucked over and neglected and being disappointed. I don't want to be around people at all anymore. Sick of human interaction. I'm done with all of it.

Going easy on myself

One thing I need to really, really work on is how to stop HATING myself when I mess up, feel guilty, etc.

I have had good opportunity to hate myself tonight; I hurt someone near and dear to me very much and I was completely irrational and unfair and mean.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt as I lay here trying to fall asleep. My first instinct in situations like this is immediate, intense self-loathing. But in the half-awake haze of semi-consciousness, some inner voice made a very good point: "Yes, you SHOULD feel bad for what you've done, but DON'T hate yourself. Hate never solves ANYTHING. Make amends for what you've done in every way possible, LEARN not to fucking do it again, forgive yourself and grow up a little bit and move on."

Someday

Someday, maybe I'LL be the one chosen, for a change.

But I doubt it. Hasn't been that way for nearly 35 years.

I don't know how

I don't know how to be a human being who doesn't fuck up every relationship I have ever been in.

I always go into a new one trying so fucking hard to remain calm, and rational, and all that shit. Yet time and time again, I manage to freak out, worry, become insecure, get too clingy, and then I either eventually push them away, or the other person says "fuck this" and runs away. And I end up crushed, grieving, in pain, and even more scarred and fucked up emotionally than I was before.

I try so, so, so fucking hard to break this pattern, but I never succeed. It has made me come to the conclusion that I am too irreparably damaged and defective to ever be able to have a close relationship at all. Even my closest friends just don't know how to handle me after awhile. I'm caught in this loop and I can't seem to stop hating myself.

Seems like I have to stumble through life just having superficial, non-close, non-intimate relationships, because when people get to know the real me inside, they don't want to deal with it, no matter how patient and accepting they seem, no matter how reassuring they are initially.

I suppose it is ultimately all my fault and that I should just suck it up and fix myself or expect to be alone for the rest of my life. And since I don't know how to fix myself... I should probably just get used to being alone.

Broken

So the fact that I am quite fucked up and broken emotionally isn't going to go away unless I keep fighting and fighting and fighting to heal myself, somehow. Trying to get to that point is one wobbly, precarious, slowly-taken step after another, and for every blood-sweat-and-tears inch of progress I think I've made, I fall back about three.

I don't really know exactly why I am writing this, except to perhaps ponder the idea that writing more, on this blog, might be good for me. Most people seem to want to hide their fucked-up-ness. Maybe I need to wave mine like a fucking flag instead of trying to hide from it. Because I CAN'T hide from it, I can't suppress it. I've tried and it doesn't work. Writing more might help me to work out some of this poison shit in my head and heart and soul. Maybe it'll start a dialog with others that will help me to come to some new conclusion. I don't really know yet. It's nearly 5 a.m. and I haven't slept and I am aware of the possibility that I am a bit delirious at this point.

Ebb and flow

A bit of wisdom passed along to me from a friend; it's something I think I really needed to hear today. (Thank you, Jubi.)

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency."

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Reassuring Myself

Consoling myself has not ever, ever been an easy thing for me. My thoughts tend to snowball, worry overwhelms me, and my emotions can so easily spiral out of control.

All my life I have relied on various other people to help console me; often just talking about my worries helps a great deal. But that's not always possible; I can't always count on my friends, it's just not possible to have someone there for me 24/7.

So, how the hell do I, at nearly 35 years old, learn to comfort and console myself? It would be a nice measure of independence, I think...and that's a step in the direction I kinda desperately need to go.

Etsy shop - Prices reduced

So, yeah. I'm broke and I need money and my paintings aren't selling so I am reducing the prices in hopes that someone might buy something.

Here are the paintings currently available for purchase:

Empty - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43950763/empty-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Chasm - $100

http://www.etsy.com/listing/43911937/chasm-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

FUCK - $50

http://www.etsy.com/listing/42266003/fuck-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

Divulsis - $75

http://www.etsy.com/listing/41416928/divulsus-one-of-a-kind-acrylic-painting

My Etsy shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Nebulosus

I Am Okay

I guess it's time to just start pretending that everything is okay, and that I am okay, and to just close off everything inside; because when it comes right down to it, people don't want to deal with other people's shit and that's not something that will ever change, ever.

So I'll grit my teeth and smile and I'll do what everyone else does, because I know everybody else is fucked up too; they've just mastered the art of hiding it and somehow I never learned how to do that.

'Autosarcophagy' in Second Life Showcase

So I was awake unusually early this morning, decided to log into SL for no particular reason, and was just sort of hanging out at my shop (Numinous). I've noticed that I've been getting a LOT of people visiting lately, so I asked a random person how they heard about my place:

[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: hello
[7:01] random person: hi
[7:01] Nebulosus Severine: how did you hear about my shop?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: a lot of people have been coming here lately and i'm wondering where they heard about it, lol
[7:02] random person: i heard about it from the Destination Guide
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: oh?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: where is that? haha
[7:02] random person: do you have SL viewer 2?
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: no
[7:02] Nebulosus Severine: well, i do but i am using the emerald viewer
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: oh! i'm in the Showcase
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: holy crap O_O
[7:03] random person: oh, well if you had viewer 2 you could open a menu on the right which would bring up the destination guide
[7:03] random person: yeah pretty much
[7:03] random person: haha
[7:03] Nebulosus Severine: wow XD
[7:04] random person: the guide refers to the scene in the picture behind me
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: yes :)))
[7:04] random person: in fact that's the picture they were showing
[7:04] Nebulosus Severine: wow!! i wonder how the heck i got nominated for the Showcase!
[7:05] random person: maybe lots of ppl just liked your place, or else whoever makes the showcase happened to like it
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: maybe :)
[7:05] random person: seems kind of cool so far
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: thanks for talking to me, haha
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: aww thanks
[7:05] Nebulosus Severine: well, just click the sign to teleport up there :)
[7:06] random person: will do, thanks

It's actually referring to Autosarcophagy & not my shop, so I hurried to put up a more obvious teleport sign up to the installation. Wow! I wonder how the hell I got into the Showcase!

(teleport, btw: slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/172/88/391)

Edit: Thank you to whoever nominated my build for the Showcase. I needed this little ray of hope more than you could probably imagine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"If your body were hurting, people would send you flowers, but if your mind is hurting they throw bricks."

- Richard Berendzen, 'Come Here'
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Quote of the Day

"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."

-- George Carlin (genius)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Trying to get back into the swing of things.

I am quickly approaching my 5-year anniversary of arriving in Second Life and a large portion of my time there has been devoted to creative pursuits - learning to build, exploring artistic possibilities, etc.

For the past year or more or so, however, those activities have largely fallen by the wayside. Part of it had to do with the closure of Arthole, naturally. Part of it is likely just the natural ebb and flow of things. I've also gotten back into some painting & drawing again, something I hadn't focused on in a long time. (I've also started listing my art on Etsy - only a few things up there thus far & one sale to a private buyer.)

Sometime in February, I started logging back into Second Life more frequently again; and in the past few months I've spent time rekindling old friendships (& discovering new ones). I've been enjoying SL as a social/exploration activity, and I think I really have needed to recapture the sense of wonder and enjoyment of simply being there.

So, yeah. Lack of sleep has kind of made me forget my original intention of writing a post today, other than to mention that I am trying to get myself back in business, so to speak. I am currently in the (slow) process of re-establishing my Second Life shop, Numinous, which I originally opened back in '05 as a way for me to help raise a bit of money for both my Second Life pursuits and a little extra support to pay first-life bills. I need that income again, so I am putting up some old designs for now while I (hopefully) make new things to sell.

I'm also going to start pursuing the arts in Second Life again soon. I am completely disconnected from the art scene these days, but as always I'll just do my own thing in my own way and hope someone notices/appreciates it. My last installation at Arthole, Autosarcophagy, can still be seen by teleporting within SL to this location, and will be left up there until I make something new:

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kress/169/89/391

I am hoping my renewed efforts to create things in Second Life are beneficial to my artistic sense of well-being and to my bank account. I hate having to pursue things for the sake of money, but the sad truth of it is that I barely make ends meet with my current job, and I desperately need a car by the end of the year and new computer parts ASAHFP (as soon as humanly fucking possible).

(Location: Immersed in Second Life via my BFFF's computer.)


Oh yeah - I also accept donations -
Via Paypal --